Notes from the Mother of the Groom

New family members are the best!

Everyone loves the photo booth! Thanks to Fotio.co.

So, our kid got married last weekend! It was a lovely event with about 80 people, and I did hardly anything to plan it. Hah!

I mean, I got to plan my own wedding however many zillion years ago, I didn’t need to get involved in another one. I gave the happy couple a copy of The Wedding Book by Lisbeth Levine (affiliate link). Liz is a friend, but I would recommend the book anyway. I’ve given it to several engaged couples over the years, and they have all reported back that they appreciated its comprehensive approach. It helps people plan first weddings, second weddings, weddings with big budgets, weddings with small budgets—you name it. TheKnot.com and other online sites have tons of information, but they also have an incentive to get you to spend more money. Once you buy a copy of the book, Liz’s financial interest is over!

The biggest problem for me, personally, was buying a dress. I wanted something appropriate, cute, and in my size. (It seems like a lot of dressmakers stop at size 14 or so.) I also needed to coordinate with the bride’s mother, who chose a lovely silver lace gown. This shouldn’t be an impossible task, but it was.

I also discovered that my idea of appropriate didn’t always match what the wedding couple wanted. My kid wanted me to look like a mom. Meaning, not flashy. He nixed one of my top choices, an emerald satin shirt dress with full skirt from Frances Valentine, as being way too bright. Did I want to die on that hill? No.

I considered having a dressmaker make a version of another top choice, a Prada dress (largest size, 8, so it wasn’t an option even if I had a Prada budget, which I did not), but that started to seem like a lot of work to coordinate. I finally wandered into the St. John boutique and found a dress that had been marked down and a cardigan that I will almost certainly wear to death. It was more than I wanted to spend, but not a lot more, and I was happy with it. And then I found cute and comfortable Cole-Haan flats on sale and a perfect necklace on Poshmark, so I was within my total budget. Sort of.

Mom tested, kid approved.

The point being: it’s not easy. My sister-in-law bought six dresses for my niece’s wedding last year and never found one she loved (although she looked gorgeous). I have since learned about a fantastic website, Motherof.co, which has collected dresses that are perfect for the older female-identifying folks in the wedding party. They have tons of cute and appropriate styles in a range of sizes and prices. Had I known about it, I would have come in under budget, no hedging necessary.

The mothers gave speeches at the reception. This wasn’t a difficult task for me, but I certainly planned it out. For about two weeks, I gave my speech every time I was driving around alone. The bride’s mother chose the simpler option of writing her speech out. A few years back, the New York Times published a good guide to giving a wedding speech, and I’ve heard that Chat GPT shines at writing them if you’re at a loss for what to do.

My one frustration as a hostess is that accessibility is not a given at hotels, restaurants, or reception sites. One of my relatives has serious health issues and had to back out of the wedding; the only good thing was that this meant that the hotel had enough accessible rooms to accommodate all the requests. (It’s weird and wrong to have to create a priority list for accessible rooms, but I had one.) Wedding receptions tend to be loud, and a few of our elderly relatives have hearing loss. It’s frustrating to be unable to talk to someone you haven’t seen in ages because there is no way they can understand you, even before the DJ gets going. Let’s embrace universal design! And maybe some sort of quiet rooms for wedding venues.

Weddings are really for the cousins, amirite?

Beyond that, tell the couple what you can afford to contribute to the wedding costs, and then let them do the work. Step in only if requested. Most guests only remember the big picture, like the scenery and the food. They won’t remember centerpieces. It will be fine!