I’ve told my kids to do what’s most convenient for THEM if I cannot make decisions for myself, but I have also had the conversation about how to not be a burden. I was w 9 of my college GFs last week and caring for aging parents was a big topic—as was the line, “Remember not to do this to your children.”
Great topic! Future me would laugh at that scrap of paper. Imagine being presented with that now... because that's how you'll feel then. You'll feel it's absurdly early and you're fully capable. But the fact that what you wrote is so sparse ("move me"...where?), points to the ambivalence we all feel placing ourselves in the elder parent's shoes. I would expect a mult-page document with criteria ("when my doctor deems me longer safe to live alone") and thoughts on what type of care and financing the care. This really has got me thinking!
So much this! I don’t want to do that to my children and neither does my husband. But per another comment above, do our goalposts keep moving such that we never think “it’s time”??? My parents are 90 and 87 and in particular my dad refuses to leave his home. We have a host of other issues since they are immigrants and really never assimilated culturally. Sadly there are no good alternatives for their own culture in elder care places. And that’s in metro Houston which has a HUGE population of S Asian immigrants. It’s a very thorny problem for sure.
I've been working on estate planning with a family and elder care attorney. In my Personal Care Plan, we have the following language about when my kids should move me to assisted living: "While I wish to always remain as self-sufficient as possible and would like to remain in my home as long as possible, but if I am unable to care for myself without the help of my loved ones, I want to receive care in a more suitable residence, so I do not burden my loved ones.
Maintaining my maximum degree of independence is very important to me and should be a relevant factor when finding a more suitable residence, if needed."
I’d have him sign as well and have it notarized. And update every few years. Also scan so it’s in digital form and put with your important papers/documents. It’s a great idea but not a “one and done,”
Meant to leave that comment here:
I’ve told my kids to do what’s most convenient for THEM if I cannot make decisions for myself, but I have also had the conversation about how to not be a burden. I was w 9 of my college GFs last week and caring for aging parents was a big topic—as was the line, “Remember not to do this to your children.”
Great topic! Future me would laugh at that scrap of paper. Imagine being presented with that now... because that's how you'll feel then. You'll feel it's absurdly early and you're fully capable. But the fact that what you wrote is so sparse ("move me"...where?), points to the ambivalence we all feel placing ourselves in the elder parent's shoes. I would expect a mult-page document with criteria ("when my doctor deems me longer safe to live alone") and thoughts on what type of care and financing the care. This really has got me thinking!
Hey! That's not a scrap of paper! That's a note card printed with my name. Um. You have a point.
This made me smile!
So much this! I don’t want to do that to my children and neither does my husband. But per another comment above, do our goalposts keep moving such that we never think “it’s time”??? My parents are 90 and 87 and in particular my dad refuses to leave his home. We have a host of other issues since they are immigrants and really never assimilated culturally. Sadly there are no good alternatives for their own culture in elder care places. And that’s in metro Houston which has a HUGE population of S Asian immigrants. It’s a very thorny problem for sure.
That's really complicated and hard. Or a business opportunity, if you and your husband are already tired of traveling all over the world?
I just shared w all of my siblings, b/c these are the exact conversations we're having.
Thank you.
I've been working on estate planning with a family and elder care attorney. In my Personal Care Plan, we have the following language about when my kids should move me to assisted living: "While I wish to always remain as self-sufficient as possible and would like to remain in my home as long as possible, but if I am unable to care for myself without the help of my loved ones, I want to receive care in a more suitable residence, so I do not burden my loved ones.
Maintaining my maximum degree of independence is very important to me and should be a relevant factor when finding a more suitable residence, if needed."
Oooh, I like it!
I’d have him sign as well and have it notarized. And update every few years. Also scan so it’s in digital form and put with your important papers/documents. It’s a great idea but not a “one and done,”